It's been a while I guess.
I'm gonna be outright with this:
I've been really sick recently.
For anyone that doesn't know, I have Crohn's disease.
Or however the fuck it's spelled.
For the past two years or so, I've been getting bi-monthly infusions.
And, after losing a bit of weight, my doctor requested that I come in today for a follow-up appointment.
And I don't seem to have gained much back.
And some of the original symptoms have recently come back.
I feel nauseous, I'm always tired, and more often than not I've been doubled over in pain, unable to move.
I haven't been eating very well either.
My doctor says that my stomach is having a flare, and that the infusions may have stopped working.
To be sure, I have another appointment on Monday.
So on Sunday, I can't eat any solid food, and then Monday, they're going to scope my entire digestive track with a camera.
They haven't done this since I was diagnosed.
Fortunately, I'll at least be asleep during most of the procedure.
I'm still scared as hell though.
I have no idea what's going to happen after this.
And on top of this, my mom's been making me more appointments.
One is for an orthodontist, because I might need braces.
My wisdom teeth have started to come in too, so I don't know if that will interfere with anything.
It makes things a little harder on me though.
Another to check on my kidneys, so they won't fail on me a decade or so from now.
And my parents just talk about me like I'm not there, constantly reminding me that this is the rest of my life.
Just a barrage of doctor's visits and uncertainty, never knowing if I can go an entire day without some form of deep, unchangeable pain. Or being prodded by doctors, just another patient that they deal with to get a paycheck.
Lately I've been feeling that if the majority of people in my life just treat me like a child, or even an object, is it really worth it?
It's so rare to be treated as a human being, and even more so an equal.
But still, I think about all of the people that do treat me as an equal.
And that's what makes it worth it.
Through all the pain, neglect, uncertainty, and fear, those people are the ones I live for.
I've heard a lot of people saying it's best to live for yourself, spending all your time doing what you want.
And I've heard others say it's best to live for a certain cause, doing your very best to achieve a world-wide goal.
But I don't believe that.
For me, people are the only thing worth living for.
Find people that you care for and love, and that love you back.
And make people happy.
That's all I've ever really wanted, to make people happy.
And despite everything else, I did.
Despite being constantly sick, and constantly alone, and neglected, I tried to make people happy.
And I did.
So no matter how bad I feel, that's what I do.
And that's what makes me happy.
That's what keeps me going.
Thanks to everyone who's supported me.
Especially when I needed it the most.
I love you guys.