So as of late I've been rolling around in quite a bit of angst.
I thought I knew who I wanted to be, but I'm not quite sure anymore.
I wanted to be the person anyone could trust to help them. The kind of person that could cheer you up whenever you were sad or just needed someone to talk to. The kind of person who would say up past midnight the day before a big test, just to give some advice to a friend.
I thought I was that person.
But for a while now, I've been doubting myself.
All I hear from the people that matter to me are compliments and encouragement.
But from my family all I hear is that I'm not as good as my siblings. That I'm lazy, and a slob, and need to get my shit together, because I'm an asshole all the time.
And I'm unsure what I should believe.
Should I trust the people who I care the most about? The ones who make me happy.
Or do I trust the ones that have been around me my entire life? The ones who should know all about me, more than anyone.
But the people I care about make me feel welcome. They actually listen to what I have to say, and if they do shoot me down, they do it half-jokingly.
But the people that are supposed to care about me don't. I don't even feel like I belong with them. Everything about them makes me wince in anger. My mother suddenly wants to become a part of my life. She actually tries to talk to me. But it just feels like the awkward small-talk you make with someone you hardly know. My father and I live in the same house and sometimes we don't say a word to each other in weeks. In the past 8 years, he's only said "I love you" to me once. But at the time I was admitted to a hospital, so I can't be sure how sincere it was. Either way, they both decided it would be best to leave me alone overnight. It turns out I can sleep better in a strange hospital bed than in my own house.
But that still begs the question, who do I believe?
Am I even capable of being the person I want to be?
Is that even what I want to be?
And to top it off I have so many new obligations I've never had before.
I'm still not completely sure how to balance a girlfriend and schoolwork.
Or how to help multiple friends at once, because before about a year ago I had no one at all.
Or if I even get time to myself anymore. The time I do have is spent mostly worrying about others. About whether or not they're okay, or if they need any help.
But then I spend a lot of time worrying about myself too.
Not because I'm dying slightly faster due to a disease. Not because there's a good chance I'm gonna fail a class. Not even because my mental state is deteriorating so quickly that I'll find myself doing the stupidest things for no reason.
I worry about myself because I can't find anyone who'll sit down and listen to my problems.
Someone who will just ask me about myself for once.
I get that I'm the go-to person when they have problems, but it seems like whenever I need to talk, no one's there to listen.
I sure as hell can't talk to my family, and the people closest to me shouldn't have to deal with the problems I have.
But it would be nice if for just once someone would notice I was upset and ask if they could help.
Even if I didn't let them, it would feel great just knowing that I would have someone to go to when I needed it.
But whenever I need help with a serious problem, the topic is changed within 10 minutes or I get blown off completely.
Thus, the ranting journals.
My one outlet to what's on my mind.
The single escape I have from reality, if only for the time frame it takes to type these.
The only way I can just vent without being interrupted by someone else with problems.
Because no one ever stops to think that the guy who spends most of his time fixing problems has ones of his own.
Well, candy and the TV are currently my only friends available.
So I'm gonna spend some time with them.
P.S. If anyone needs me to solve another problem for them, I'll be back in an hour or so.